Demons

My Senior year of High School, I worked for about three months at Meijer. One day, one of my coworkers—a self-described "pagan"—went around asking people whether they believed all demons were evil. Most of the self-described Christians, agnostics, and atheists who worked there gave a tepid "I guess" or "I don't know." She smugly pointed out that they hypocritically condemned what they did not understand and did not understand what they believed. When she asked me, I did not know yet that she had asked my coworkers for their thoughts, or what answers she had received. Our conversation went a little like this (not word for word—it has been four years):

PAGAN: Do you think all demons are evil?
ME: Yes.
(PAGAN descends into sputtering rage at my certain and confident answer, babbles about being self righteous)
ME: Wait a minute... what do you mean by "demon"?

At this moment, I realized that she and I did not agree on our terms. I took demon to mean fallen angel. It's very definition meant that it was a being which saw God in all His glory and turned against Him. She did not have the same definition, as her answer demonstrated:

PAGAN: Any kind of demon!
ME: No, I mean...
PAGAN: Take a succubus for example. It has drains the life out of humans by having sex with them. Is it evil?
ME: If such a thing really exists; yes.
PAGAN: How can you say that?!? It's only doing it to survive! That's like denying a person the right to eat!

Here, again, we were hitting a wall in our conversation. One from which it did not recover, as I was called away shortly thereafter to do my actual job. However, I know how I would have responded: Angels, fallen or otherwise, are eternal beings. They don't die. Demons, therefore, do not need to feed to survive, whether on libidos or Fritos. It would be ludicrous for a Christian to respond any other way to her questions.

I suppose I'm thinking of this because I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer lately. (I just finished Season 6, and haven't seen it before, so please no one who reads this ruin Season 7 for me.) It's gotten me thinking a lot about different things: occult, demonic, magic, and mythic. I've done a lot of considering lately. Most of my thoughts are unimportant, and I will keep them to myself for now. I may have follow-up posts, however, wherein I discuss individual ideas in greater depth.

Emotional Experience

When I applied to Los Angeles Film Studies Center, they asked for a narrative of my most emotional experience. The following is what I wrote, with minor changes:

In my junior year of high school, I met a girl I'll call "K" (whose name I will omit for the sake of her privacy). We were both on our high school's forensics team, and were both of the intellectual persuasion. By this, I of course mean that we were smart and knew it, with (I am ashamed to say on my part) varying degrees of humility. Throughout the course of the semester, we became as close friends as I was with anyone during my pre-collegiate years. Much of our time was spent preparing for or going to speech competitions, and so we spent much of our time in each other's company. She was phenomenally talented and immensely kind to everyone to whom I ever saw her speak. I admit I may have even had a crush on her, but I never acted on it. Then, at the end of the year, she transferred to a private girls school and we lost touch with one another.

Throughout the course of my senior year, I would send K an occasional email. I didn't say anything special, just some updates about who had done what that we both knew and the sort of things I was up to. I knew that her new school's curriculum was much more intense than mine, so I thought nothing of it that she didn't really respond to my emails. Perhaps this was mere foolishness, perhaps self-delusion. Whatever the reason, I kept sending her emails every month or two for the first half of the year, then began to get less frequent. One day in the spring, I realized I hadn't written her in a while, so I sent her one last email. The act did not seem significant to me at the time.

A day or two after I sent that last email, I got a response from my not-so-long lost friend and was elated at the fact. I opened the email reply to my message and was horrified at what I read. It has been nearly four years, and those words were not “burned into my mind,” but the general gist of her message was. Her message essentially said: “I thought ignoring you was enough to send the message. Apparently not. I do not want to hear from you. I do not care how you or anyone you know is doing, and I hope you never talk to, write to, or in any way contact me again.” She expounded upon this theme for well over a page of writing. Likely, she thought this necessary, as I was too “dense” to pick up the subtleties of being ignored and so might miss the direct point as well. While I did not understand her reasoning, I respected her decision and so immediately deleted her from my email contacts, instant messenger, and any other list of contacts in which she had previously appeared.

For many people, this would only be a strange occurrence and perhaps slightly disappointing. But I have always had a fear of rejection (a full discussion of which would take well over a the allowed length of this essay on its own). I am reluctant to use common platitudes and metaphors, so I will not describe her message as a knife in the chest. That is exactly how I had described it at the time, but I have since thought back and realized that the feeling was nothing at all like a knife. What I felt was not pain, or sadness, or anger. It was a sort of internal reordering. The best I can think of to describe it is the way I imagine a surgery patient would feel after having had an appendectomy. Something of which I had not been normally aware had been taken away from me.

What was even worse than the feeling, however, were its aftereffects. I cannot make myself make first contact with any of my high school friends. Those with whom I have reestablished contact already, I may call, but the fear that they too will without explanation or reasonable provocation demand that I sever all ties between us grips me with all its might. Those who have not contacted me I have simply lost. Thankfully, there is such a disconnect between my high school and college careers that I do not have this problem with my college friends who have graduated or transferred. I am reluctant, perhaps, to call unsolicited, but I still do try from time to time, and most often my efforts are rewarded.

I have felt stronger emotions than this unclassifiable feeling K gave me, both before and since then. I have not, however, had any event trigger such a long-lasting shift in my emotions. I may never be free of her influence in my life. This strikes me as perhaps the greatest irony, that in trying to sever ties between us, K permanently won herself a place in my heart as the friend who didn't want me.

One might wonder what prompted me to post this now, over a year after I wrote it. The truth is, I recently googled "K"s name on a whim and found out where she goes to school. I still respect her decision, and will make no attempt to contact her. I'm just nostalgic, and a little sad.

Twenty Three Years of Madness

So, yesterday was my twenty-third birthday. It was somewhat interesting. I don't like this blog to be about my life so much as it is about my thoughts, but birthdays tend to make people think about their lives, so I'll call this post a toss-up.

Two days ago, I took my guitar out of its case for the first time in months and decided to genuinely practice. (For those who don't know, I don't ever claim to play the guitar — I practice. I'll call it playing when I can goof off and still not sound like crap.) I spent a while working, but then I remembered that my fingers were no longer calloused and decided to stop. With luck, I'll stay with it this time and end up actually playing the guitar.

Also recently, I started telling a "Choose Your Own Adventure" story on my facebook, run by popular vote. My hope is that this will motivate me to keep up with writing more (and possibly increase my audience, and provide me with feedback — lots of pluses to this plan).

I could go on, but I honestly feel this is better left short and sweet. I feel like I'm being more productive and responsible. Now if only I could find a job...

Looking at My Friendslists

I decided to look over my facebook friendlists. I learned a few things. Here are some of the things I learned.

By my definition of Friendship, I have 8 facebook friends I consider True Friends. I went over the list 3 times and grouped them together. 8 out of nearly 600.

As near as I can tell, there are 25 girls on my friendslist who I at one time or another had a crush on. Some of those it's hard to believe I ever liked. Exactly 2 are also on my list of "True Friends."

I have 17 Family Members among my friends, including my entire immediate family.

There are at least as many people on my list that I keep around in the event they might be helpful to me later in life as there are true friends - I stopped counting after 7, and know there was at least one more.

There are 7 people on my friendslists who have betrayed me at one time or another: at least four of them would have been on my list of "True Friends" if not for these betrayals.

All of my facebook friends who are on none of these lists are either people who I think are cool, but don't really know that well, or people whom it would be awkward and potentially create drama (for me or for our mutual friends) if I unfriended.

Tell me, does this seem normal to you? Are any of these groups unusually skewed, as you see it? I'm just wondering.

Some Things Change, Some Things Make Me Angry

When I was in early high school, I disliked country music—among other things, I disliked how hick-ish my high school was, and felt that country music exemplified this problem. Every semseter, we had a spirit week including a "Dress Like a Farmer" day. Most people didn't have to change that much. But I digress.

My junior year of high school, we moved to a new building which was no longer in walking distance from my house, and though I had a license, I had no car, so I started riding the bus. The driver liked country music, so that's what we listened to. Throughout the year, I learned to deal with it. I accepted, but did not like country music. This continued through much of college.

My junior year of college, however, my roommate talked me into going line dancing with him at a club called "The Dusty Armadillo." Not wanting to be a stick-in-the-mud, I danced. Dancing, I learned to love the music. That isn't to say I loved all country music, or all the time, but when I recognized a song I knew I could dance to, a new thrill shot through me. Thus I began to like country music.

Since graduation, I have moved home, and during my frequent visits to the Chiropractor (another story, for those who do not already know), I typically listen to one of our local country stations. Today was one such day. And now the reason for my writing: "Love Story" by Taylor Swift is a terrible song in every way, shape, and form.

I hate the music, I hate the lyrics, I hate the story the lyrics and music come together to tell. And not just because I feel that Mercutio should have been the hero of the play, because it completely ignores the actual plot of the story! Don't mention Romeo and Juliet if you're going to have a happy ending, Miss Swift! No! I had thought there was no way it was as bad as I thought it was, so I forced myself to listen to the whole thing.

It was worse.

An Essay

I wrote the following as my final essay for my author studies class of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. I've incorporated the suggestions my professor made (mostly removing unnecessary citations) and thought I'd post it for you readers on the interweb. Let me know what you think, LotR fans!

One of the most dynamic characters the reader encounters in The Lord of the Rings is that of Aragorn, son of Arathorn. There are two senses in which this character develops throughout the series, the first being a sort of traditional character growth, most of which had already taken place well before the founding of the fellowship, and the second resembling more of an unveiling of the character to his companions, which takes place over the year or so from when he meets the hobbits to when he is crowned King of Gondor. Naturally, the two developments are related to one another, but the distinction is fairly significant, and becomes apparent if one realizes that much of Aragorn's development takes place long before he met Frodo and the Hobbits in Bree, and is recorded after the closing lines of the novel in its appendices.

Aragorn, we learn in Appendix A of The Lord of the Rings, began his life under a false name with no knowledge of his true kingly lineage. He spent his first twenty years under the name Estel, or “Hope.” Little is said of this time, except that Elrond came to love him as a son, and that the period ended when Aragorn “returned to Rivendell after great deeds in the company of the sons of Elrond; and Elrond...saw that he was fair and noble and...would yet become greater in body and in mind.” At this point, Elrond rewarded Aragorn with his true name, true heritage, and many—though not yet all—of the heirlooms of his house. Shortly thereafter, Aragorn first sees Arwen, the daughter of Elrond, and falls immediately in love with her. This is perhaps the only brash action which is attributed to Aragorn, who throughout the novel itself makes every decision cautiously and thinking heavily of the consequences. However, even if Aragorn did not think fully through the repercussions of his love, he did stick by his decision, demonstrating even from an early age a genuine sense of commitment.

There are two major spans of time between Aragorn's first loving Arwen and his appearance in The Fellowship of the Ring. The first is a space of about thirty years, after which Arwen sees Aragorn come into his own and strong (not to mention clad in Elvish clothes). Though we are not told all of Aragorn's deeds in this time, we can gather from chronologies that it was in this time that he met and befriended Gandalf, and that he served both the King of Rohan and the Steward of Gondor in disguise. We learn four attributes of Aragorn's character from these facts. First of all, he keeps high company, since he manages to befriend a member of the Maiar. Secondly, though he knows his high birth and has been given such tokens as could prove his rank, he chooses to still serve until the time is right for his ascension. Thirdly, though he serves, he offers no one his allegiance, or else he would not have served two rival, though friendly, kingdoms of men. Fourth and finally, he has learned well the value of secrecy, following Elrond's lead in hiding his heritage. Arwen, seeing these changes in him, falls in love with him and the two commit to faithfulness to one another.

After receiving Arwen's pledge of love, Aragorn again turned to traveling and adventuring. He spent the next thirty-eight years protecting the North as a Ranger, taking time for such individual tasks as hunting and jailing Gollum, before meeting with the hobbits in Bree. At some point in this period, he also met Bilbo, and began his friendship. It is likely from this friendship that Aragorn learned to appreciate hobbits. This period more or less solidifies Aragorn's kingly nature, and the majority of his development after this point is the unveiling of which I spoke earlier.

When Aragorn first meets the hobbits, he is not trusted, having all but completely hidden his goodness beneath a rough exterior. Butterbur, who has seen him many times, mistrusts him and warns the Hobbits to avoid him out of genuine concern. He appears, at first, merely a gruff man of the wilderness, skilled in fighting and perhaps in hunting, but with few other attributes certain. After Frodo is stabbed at Weathertop, however, he shows himself also to know something of healing, even if it is only enough to slow the effect of the Nazgûl's blade until they could reach Elrond in Rivendell. He continues to quest throughout the world after they reach Rivendell, and reveals his true identity to more companions as they set out to destroy the Ring. But the next significant unveiling is that he was wiser even than Gandalf in at least one sense: he knew tragedy would befall the Fellowship if they travelled through Moria, and for lack of regard for his counsel, Gandalf was lost. However, this is also what forces the next change in Aragorn—whereas before he was able to rely on his wise friend for leadership, now he was forced to take his place as a true leader. Where at first he is hesitant, pulled by alternating desires, he ultimately makes a bold decision and begins to use his inborn authority to lead.

Aragorn, in leadership, continues to reveal his name at need, in such cases as when Éomer demands the company identify themselves in Rohan. When Gandalf returns from the dead, Aragorn yields leadership back to him, not so much out of reliance, as he apparently did at first, but more out of respect. When they must part ways next, Aragorn does not bemoan their fate. Indeed, very little is said of Aragorn at all, whose dialog is sometimes recorded even without a hearer. I would therefore consider it reasonable to say that he was entirely at peace with the parting.

Once Gandalf has departed, Aragorn takes possession of the palantír and takes it from Sauron's control, showing that he, unlike Saruman, could not only withstand but overpower the will of the Dark Lord. From this point on, few of his choices are really developments or unveilings for the reader, only the natural actions of a man who knows that the times are grim and his destiny is high. Even in his decision to rally the dead army and his decision to ride, perhaps to his death, against the gates of Mordor, seem in keeping with the man we have met already. After the victory, he seeks a sign by which to claim his rightful kingship and his queen, but he himself is already ready for this, it cannot be called “change.” The only real change that remains in him is long after the events concerning the Ring are over—in his final days, Aragorn chooses to meet his end as he grows weary, not staying even for his love for Arwen. This is the final and most important change, as it allows him to return to the legacy of his forebears, not only men of Gondor, but the mighty Númenoreans as well.

A Response to the Administration's Spin

In a recent issue of the Aviso, Malone University's newspaper, one of the administration whom I will call “Dr. S” addressed the concerns about the changes in Malone's admissions requirements. But very little of what he said sounded even possible to my ears, let alone true. I am so disturbed by the most recent article that I felt a response was not only in order, but absolutely necessary. This is a mildly revised version of my response, going play by play through Dr. S's article.

I'd like to begin by dealing with an ungrounded claim in Dr. S's first paragraph, which was also copied and had attention drawn to it as a particularly relevant quotation: “Please know that the leadership of Malone is committed to preserving and strengthening standards, quality and relationships.” This sounds very nice. My only problem with it is that it is in response to concerns that the admissions standards and thereby quality of academic achievement of Malone have been lowered and thereby weakened. I feel that I show in this response how the new system reduces the relationship potential of Malone admissions.

Dr. S first defends the new admissions standards by saying that the scholarships were not competitive, “were not distributed more broadly to our incoming students,” and that the school was “lagging behind in the timing in which we would make our scholarship awards.” Dr. S never defines what he meant by timing, but that is a minor issue. He only points out that “Now, every student that meets our admissions requirements will receive some form of... scholarship or grant.”

For those of you who don't know, the word “scholarship” comes from “scholar,” and refers to an amount of money awarded to students who excel in scholastic endeavors. To give a scholarship to everyone defeats its purpose, especially if done on an institutional level—after all, it would save a considerable amount of red tape if Malone simply cut tuition by the relevant amount for everyone, and this would not cheapen the word “scholarship” by broadening it out. I have no issue with grants being given to any student, but again, if you are going to give the money to everyone, it is much smarter to just cut the tuition.

Dr. S's second point is that the application pool has been redistributed among the admissions counselors according to the students' surnames instead of their geographic region. This is designed to broaden the focus of admissions, but will also have the negative effect of cutting down admissions relationships with particular regions.

Dr. S went on to say how Malone now receives a wider pool of “ethnic and geographic diversity.” He claims that both have been hindered by the smaller applicant pool, and that now we receive applications from students that will do well in college. This is quite possible—they may do very well. However, if they are admitted due to lower admissions standards, then many in this group will do less well than those admitted on the previous admissions standards. Not to mention, the claim that lowering the admissions requirements will allow more ethnic diversity at Malone does not strike me as the most appropriate of statements.

The next point Dr. S makes is that “one other impact of setting this new admissions requirement is related to college readiness.” He goes on to explain that these lower standards are still enough to project that the students will achieve a probational status GPA. That is ridiculous. We should not be aiming for probational students. Malone should certainly be admitting some probational students, but the general admissions standards should strive for excellence, not adequacy.

Dr. S's last point is that the new recruitment standard will be more aggressive and will be streamlined. The only specifics he mentions are eliminating brochures. I have no issue with this, it is one example of smart use of resources (although the majority of this claim is left unexplained, and I would have liked more information).

In his closing remarks, Dr. S reminds us of our Presidents words to “begin with the end in mind.” The end, for Dr. S in this article, is “to increase residential population, provide competitive scholarships, and strengthen our academic programs.” I have shown in this article that I do not believe the new standards accomplish this goal. But what is more importantly, we should focus less on academics, and more on what Malone claims is its continuing commitment: Christ's Kingdom First.